Caroliena Cabada
If I Wanted,
Aubade Still Waking,
& Unnatural Instinct
If I Wanted
If I wanted to feel a
life inside my life, I would
run away like usual, ignore all
calls to settle—I've settled in
that pattern, at least. You
can trust me to always flee.
Some day, maybe a change
will start in me, subtle as a lie
slipped between teeth like mint-
waxed floss. Indecision always felt
fresh and green, like a breath in my
face in a precursor to a kiss. Maybe
some day I'll say yes, I want to have
kids, but I can't imagine wanting to
have something like that—a life
within a life outgrowing a body.
If I wanted that, then I would
want that, and I don't want
that, really. I can't see
myself wanting that.
Aubade Still Waking
Even with no sleep, I greet
a cloudy dawn with my mouth
wide open, still drooling
from last night's dream house:
I moved through halls
only imagined, not seen
by astigmatic eyes, which means
every light is curved
at an angle. I can't tell
the difference of distances.
In the morning I'll make
my little breakfast, crack
eggs into omelets, eat
everything that makes me
feel full. Even with no sleep,
I think that my eyes are still
the most reliable thing
about me, consistently
skewed, accounted for.
Unnatural Instinct
Where does your kindness
come from? I have never been
quick to give myself away,
prefer stealth acts of gratitude—
a generous rumor, your name
at a table, nothing but
good things. How can I
earnestly praise earnestness?
I want to give flowers—
I never do. I want to walk
in a storm to deliver food
to you—I don't. We stay
dry-eyed and staring at
eclipse-clipped shadows of
eastern redbud leaves. Here
is the kindness of cherries.
Here, too, is the promise
of lilacs, the tender scent
lifting from pinpoint blossoms.
My instinct is to close
around my closeness,
dismiss my delight, slip
past wonder. How unnatural:
the impulse to suppress
innocent laughter. What
happened to you? What happened
to me?
Caroliena Cabada is the author of *True Stories* (2024, Unsolicited Press). She teaches first-year composition and creative writing at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln. Find her at carolienacabada.com.