Zombie Synchronized Swimming FAQs

What is Synchronized Swimming for Zombies?

It’s not the water ballet you’ve always imagined. It’s a high-stakes series of twists and turns above and below the water, counted out to mechanized beats of “music.” Your daughter will lumber in, take her place among her friends, and moan. You’ll be determined to still picture her as you always have: a crowntail betta fish with glided toes and fingers, but she’s more jagged edges and crooked lines, and strong—strong enough to turn on you and bite, so you best stay hidden.

What Does My Child Zombie Need for Synchronized Swimming Practice?

You hide in the bushes at the outdoor pool, so your daughter zombie doesn’t see you, and you’ll worry—more about her than you. But she’ll already have a one-piece suit on, and she’ll be pale blue, like the water, tone on tone. She’ll already have a swim cap and nose clip and goggles, and she’ll already know what to do to navigate the rest of the way without you, and your heart will break.

What Skills Are Required?

From you: the strength not to cry, not rush out and hold her in your arms. From her: the ability to recognize and execute a routine—and hold her breath.

What is the Commitment? How Long Does Training Last?

By now, you rarely see your daughter anymore, as she’ll practice up to eight hours a day, six days a week, and she’ll probably forget about you for a while, though somewhere, at the bottom of the pool, she might feel, in her zombie bones, a small ache of longing, but memories are short-lived in this case for a reason, and this part is only natural.

What is the Finale in a Routine Like?

You’ll watch her do routines, and you’ll think she’s the most beautiful in the world—the way she kicks her feet, turns her head, pushes her arm out of the water—spins and turns and drops—hardly ever making a splash, except for the moaning when she comes up for air, but the finale is something spectacular. You can watch it if you want—or turn away—but please don’t interfere: a live wire is dropped into the pool so that the ones who have not been bitten—you included—can escape, clutching your heart—as you remember putting her hair up in a bun with bobby pins and choosing a sparkling swimsuit, so she could shine like the stars—but we assure you, at Zombie Synchronized Swimming, she will.